Since 1990 I have been very fortunate to have become good friends with an Amish family near Kinzer, Pa.
Christ, pronounced Chris, is the father of 10 children and the bishop of his community, His wife, Elsie, is the wonderful model of what a wife, mother and grandmother should be. How I became friends with them is another story. I have visited them at various times and feel privileged to know them. Although their formal education goes to the eighth grade, they possess doctorates in philosophy that no school in the country can match.
On one of my visits I had the opportunity to share a conversation with Christ on the serenity and quietness of most Amish people I had observed. He is a very humble man and it was quite difficult to get him to talk about himself. I asked if he could tell me the reason for such characteristics. He said one should never generalize, commenting there are some who are boisterous and not reserved in his flock. After we accepted the fact that there were exceptions to most rules, he shared why be behaved the way he did. He began by telling me there was a good reason why God gave us two ears and only one mouth. Yes, one should listen twice as much as one speaks. Then he gave me his blueprint for listening to people. When he meets people for the first time, he listens to whether the person is telling, sharing, questioning or just talking. I asked what does "just talking" means. He said that is when a person is using words but saying nothing. Once, I remember asking Elsie what her youngest child, Samuel, was saying and she replied, "Oh, he is just talking." Christ said if a person is sharing and questioning then they are usually very nice people. If they are telling and talking then they probably have issues. He then cautioned me that one should be patient and see if there is a pattern to the way a person communicates. If however the person is a teller and a talker, then he gives them common courtesy. He would rather spend time with a sharer and questioner. If trapped, he thinks about the farm and other good things and hopes the person doesn't notice.
I used his blueprint to assess my pattern. I confess, changes were in order. At least I am less talkative and do use my ears more. I have applied the model many times since the revelation, and must say his observation about people by what and how they speak is right on the money. I have learned there is no perfect group of people, but there are some things one group does better than others. As a devoted family man and one who recognizes the importance of community, I can say my association with that special Amish family has been life-altering.
Ken Seifert is a 40-year Andover resident and former superintendent of schools in Andover. He appreciates feedback about his columns, which can be left online at www.andovertownsman.com or mailed to him at 16 Ivy Lane, Andover MA 01810.
