Andover Townsman, Andover, MA

Opinion

Discussion

Welcome to our online comments feature. To join the discussion, you must first register with Disqus and verify your email address. Once you do, your comments will post automatically. We welcome your thoughts and your opinions, including unpopular ones. We ask only that you keep the conversation civil and clean. We reserve the right to remove comments that are obscene, racist or abusive and statements that are false or unverifiable. Repeat offenders will be blocked. You may flag objectionable comments for review by a moderator.

comments powered by Disqus
April 16, 2009

Tabb humor column: The Pile - Even spring cleaning is no match

Sue Tabb

I don't care how fastidious, organized or efficient you claim to be. If you have a family, you have one.

It lurks in everyone's home, wreaking havoc on all who live there with its uncertain content and nebulous shape. It is constantly shrinking and growing and shrinking and growing. But it will never, ever, go completely away. Not even if you do a spring cleaning. I can say that with an undeniable certainty based on years of trying to extricate myself from its rancorous claws.

Have you guessed it? Yup, it's the infamous "pile." And there is absolutely no one reading this who is exempt from its tenacious grasp.

I'm talking about that pile of stuff - some would call it clutter - you have to keep out in the open because the contents require some sort of action: sign it, pay it, read it, respond to it, order from it, or just pick it up several dozen times and wonder what to do with it.

And we all have a designated place for the pile, usually the middle of the kitchen counter, which requires us to continually move the pile so we feel as though we are actually doing something with it. When company comes, the pile is quickly hidden away in a drawer or under the cabinet because we don't want anyone to think that we actually have a pile. Instead, we'd have them believe that we have everything categorically filed away in its proper place with nary a scrap of paper visible to the human eye. Ta-da! Yeah, right.

I keep my pile in a basket in my kitchen, which I thought was a very clever idea. However, it turns out that a basket, with its basket-like properties, tends to collect way more items than just permission slips, newsletters, bills and recycling schedules. For example, today we have a rubber band, three cough drops, two hair scrunchies, a marble, a hand-warmer thingamajig, a gift card, a bottle of nail polish, a hair brush, reading glasses, a Triaminic thin strip, several buttons, a game piece and a partridge in a pear tree. It's crazy how much can fit into an 8- by 10-inch square. It defies all scientific logic.

My husband tries desperately to reduce the size of the pile, but each time something is taken out, at least three items are placed back in. Poor guy, clutter makes him absolutely insane. And who can avoid it? The end result is that he places everything back in the pile, makes a barely audible sound that signals defeat, and walks away with a maniacal look on his face. I think he is half-way to crazy. (I've been there a long time; it'll be nice to have some company.)

Anyway, I thought I would conduct a little informal survey to see where everyone keeps their piles, just for fun. Yeah, I know, I need a hobby. But the reality is that I heard some interesting responses. Here's what a few people had to say in response to "where is your pile?"

"On a table near the door; we come in, drop everything and run."

"My dining room table; I haven't been able to entertain for years."

"I have several piles - piles of magazines, piles of books, piles of papers, piles of bills. There is a pile for every room."

"My home office is a pile; I haven't seen the desk in ages."

"I don't have a pile; I throw things away or deal with it the very same day."

The last person is a liar and should not be allowed to speak in public. I've never met a person without a pile. We are human beings after all, Miss I-don't-have-a-pile. I bet you never yell at your kids either. And you probably eat right and work out every day. Sicko.

So after years of our love/hate relationship, I have come to appreciate my pile, almost like a piece of fine art. Everyone sees and interprets it differently, but it is mine after all. I know it and understand it, strangely enough. So go home and manage your own pile. This one is taken.

Text Only | Photo Reprints
Tabb humor column: The Pile - Even spring cleaning is no match
by Sue Tabb , , Thu Apr 16, 2009, 12:00 PM EDT
Opinion

Question of the Week
Pictures of the Week
Stocks